Another of the Great Joys of Being Married

So this Sunday, I was sitting there reading a book when I heard the treadmill start up in the basement. Didn't think much of it as the husband had said he would be working out that morning. A half hour goes by, I continue to read. The treadmill stops running. A few minutes later, I look up to see the husband in the doorway and this conversation ensues.

Me: "Uh, what are you wearing?"
Him: "What?" Looks down at his outfit, which happens to consist of baggy boxers, black socks, tennis shoes and...wait for it...a long sleeve dress shirt with an enormous pizza stain on the chest.
Me: "Did you wear that to work out in?"
Him: "Yeah, why?"
Me: Hide my head to snicker.
Him: "What?!"
Me: Don't even try to hide my amusement anymore and laugh in plain view.
Him: Huffs off to the shower, oblivious to what I find so funny.

You just haven't lived until you've seen another person work out in boxers and a dress shirt.

I Feel Like a Dirty Old Woman

We just got back from seeing Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and I've come out with a crush on Viktor Krum, the Durmstrang seeker, and I'm feeling a bit sheepish about it since he plays a 17-year-old (possibly 18) in the movie. However, taking into consideration his nice physique and facial hair, I'm really hoping the actor who plays him is at least in his 20s. And if he's not, where the hell were these guys when I was in high school? I distinctly remember awkwardness, acne and protrubing adam's apples. I guess it could be worse. I could have a crush on Harry or Ron, with his crazy long red hair and constant expression of bafflement. Now that would be really bad.

Christmas Frenzy

It's getting to be that time of year again--the time when I go nutso over everything Christmas. You know how everyone complains that, "All this Christmas crap starts earlier and earlier every year"? Well, I'm the one sheepishly hiding my embarrassed face because I'm already tuning into the Play Christmas Music Til All Your Listeners Puke Up Cranberries station, watching the Christmas commercials with delighted eyes and even trying to catch those stupid, sappy made for TV holiday movies. I don't know what it is I love about Christmas so much. All the other holidays? Eh. Could really care less. If I'm stuck at home, alone, on Easter or Thanksgiving or any other holiday, I'm perfectly fine. But Christmas? Nope. I have to get into it. I drive by houses that have lots of lights, I shop just to see all the Christmas decorations and products, I buy the Christmas scented Glade candles and I watch my absolute favorite movie, Christmas Vacation, at least three or four times.

Maybe it takes me back to my childhood. Maybe I'm hopeless sap. Maybe I'm a crazy asshole (which everyone will probably agree on). So what's your favorite (or least favorite) thing about Christmas? Tell, tell!

Update: I just found something I do NOT like about Christmas: Clay Aiken's remake of Oh Holy Night. GAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! Who thought THAT would be a good idea??

Weekly Pick or Pan

If you don't like Dean Koontz...well, get off my blog right now, you son of a bitch. Even if you don't like Dean Koontz in general (which is forgivable considering some of the sludge he's been publishing lately), if you didn't like Watchers, then you really have no business reading any fiction. This, dammit, is just a fine book. What's not to love? There's government experimentation, monsters, ultra-intelligent Golden Retrievers, a romance, murders, mysteries...this book just has everything. I've probably read it at least seven times over the years and will undoubtedly read it another twenty times before I die. This also holds the record for the book that I've had to re-buy the most because people don't return it. If that's not a sign of a fan-flippin'-tastic book, I don't know what is. However, if you bitches who never returned my book are reading this, I'm still pissed. Don't think I've forgotten.

Interviewing Dos and Don'ts

We are hiring a new person at work, which always provides great fodder for a post. Inspired by some of the candidates we saw today, here is a list of interviewing dos and don'ts.

Don't show up looking like you just were involved in your own personal fight club. One of our candidates came to his interview with a shiner. So, of course, I couldn't think of much else except how did he get that shiner? Did his girlfriend slug him? Does he get in bar fights? Do we really want an employee who invokes the wrath of someone enough to get popped in the eye? I realize that maybe you can't completely avoid getting beat up before an interview. In this case, I suggest a nice lie. Come in to the interview and say, "I apologize for this," gesture to your owie, "but I sleepwalk and ran into a cupboard." I don't care how you got the injury, just make up a good lie that will not make you unemployable.

Do bring a resume. Yep, one of our guys showed up without a resume or much else, really. Just his happy self. He did have a portfolio, I believe, but neglected to ever show it to us. Needless to say, he is not getting the job.

Don't wear Doc Martens. You're going to a job interview. Clunky-ass, scratched up Doc Martens are not the appropriate footwear. You can find a nice pair of cheap dress shoes at Payless, just ask Star Jones.

Do listen. I asked one candidate to rank three tasks from one to three, one being what he was best at, three being what he was least best at. Guess what he ranked them? 1, 2 and...1! Gaaahhhh! If you can't perform that simple task, you don't get the job, buttnose.

Don't look at your interviewer's chest when she's talking to you. First of all, why would you want to look at my chest? Not much to offer there. Secondly, who would want to hire a lech who stares at her chest during an interview? What will this lead to? Heavy groping on your first day on the job? A sexual harrassment suit by your first weekend? No, thanks!

All in all, it wasn't a bad round of interviews and we found some good prospects. But sheesh!! Where are kids learning their interviewing skills these days?

Weekly Pick or Pan

For my first pan on this site, I have chosen a doozy. First of all, I apologize for the dorky 'search inside' on this photo as it's the only one I could find. You certainly do not want to even look inside this book, let alone do any searching.

So. Bentley Little's Association. I had never read anything by this author and, after this steaming pile of shit, I never will again. Here's a quick plot synopsis. Barry and Maureen have moved to a small town so Barry can work on his horror novels and Maureen can do...whatever it is she does. I don't remember and it doesn't matter because these are two of the stupidest assholes to ever grace the pages of a novel and character details are irrelevent. Anyway, the moronic couple find a nice little house that is governed by a nice little association. Of course, the association turns out to not be so nice when they start telling the couple what they can plant, who they can make friends with and other various crappola, leading up to a truly puke-inducing scene where the couple find out that the association has taken one of their friends, cut off his legs and arms and, if I remember correctly, tongue and let him flop his way around the neighborhood. And the neighbors nickname him Stumpy!! I am not making this up. To make matters worse, Maureen and Barry refuse to pack up and leave (even after the stumpy incident), saying they will 'stick to their ideals' (apparently, their ideals involve losing friends to torture and proving that they are, in fact, the biggest dumbshits ever written about). All of this disgusting nonsense culminates in a finale that may or may not involve the president of the association being revealed as a demon (I don't really know since 1. it was confusing as hell and 2. I didn't re-read any of it to try to understand because that would make me almost as stupid as Maureen). After I finished this piece of dog shit, I actually had to hide it in my closet so I wouldn't catch a glimpse of it and have to relive even one second of my reading experience.