Could I Screw Up Something So (Seemingly) Easy?

It sounds like the easiest thing in the world. You get up each morning at the same time and, before getting out of bed, you take your damn temperature. It sounds easy and it supposedly tells you all these glorious things about your womanly cycle that will help you in the baby-making department. With anticipation of finally knowing why my cycles veer from 28-33 days, I bought myself a delightful little digital thermometer and started taking my temperature at the beginning of my cycle. Other than some crazy temperatures that skittered all over the chart, things went well. But as the expected day of ovulation came and passed and no temperature spike (that's what's supposed to happen when you ovulate, but trying telling my retarded body that), my worry began. Just some of the questions going through my head:

Am I ovulating at all?
Should we keep doing it? I'm really getting tired of doing it so much.
Does this damn thermometer even work?
Could Kirk's snoring somehow be the culprit? And even if it isn't, can I convince him it is?
Is this a giant conspiracy perpetrated by the thermometer industry?

And as more days passed, my frustration got higher and higher. Each morning, Kirk looks forward to me waking up, taking my temperature, then stomping to the kitchen to curse like a sailor on shore leave who's just found out the whores are all on vacation in Barbados. At first, he tried to be helpful with comments like these,

"Maybe this charting thing doesn't really work."

To which I replied, "Doesn't work? DOESN'T WORK?! I read two books about it and looked it up on 10 websites! It works! DON'T TREAT ME LIKE AN IDIOT!!"

Since that outburst, he relies on, "Did it go up?" in the softest, most gentlest voice possible. To which I usually respond, "NO, GODDAMMIT LEAVE ME ALONE *%$#@(*"

Thinking it may be the thermometer, I purchased another one, this one a specific basal body digital thermometer (don't worry, it's not as expensive as you're probably thinking). Instead of helping the situation out, it has caused me to take my temperature every morning with two different thermometers, each of which show a different number but neither of which show a temperature spike.

I'm going a little nutty here. And please don't give me the 'stop with all this thermometer nonsense, just relax, it will happen.' Cuz guess what, bitches? If I'm not ovulating, it doesn't matter how much I relax, I could be more relaxed than a rastafarian in a field full of marijuana plants and I still won't get pregnant. And if I'm not ovulating, wouldn't I like to know sooner rather than later so I can get some help?

So anyway. There's my rant for the day. I'm off to see how royally our home is jacked up (remember the deck building project, hmmmm?). Here's to a happy Wednesday with a little bit of sun and a temperature spike!

Construction Lovin'

For the past week and a half, they have been doing construction on the office next door to ours. Generally, things of this nature don't bother me, but man alive have I been ticked off since this thing started. Here are just a short list of my many grievances:

1. They have a bajillion (yes, a bajillion, dammit) contractors, each of them have their own damn truck and each of them park their own damn truck in our parking lot. We are a small office with a limited number of spaces, now all taken up by vans and trucks and sweaty men in hard hats (which I may be enjoying if I was single and not so damn annoyed--oh, and if they were good looking).

2. They're working on the ceiling next door, which has somehow bled over into the ceiling of our bathroom and now about half of it is falling down. Everytime I go to the bathroom, I think I'll either be leered at by some asshole looking through the ceiling or that I'll sit on the pot and get asbestos up my wazoo.

3. It's so ungodly loud. I'll be speaking with a client on the phone and the noise will start up, forcing me to keep increasing the volume of my voice until I'm practically shouting at my client and he still can't hear me.

4. The heat and electricity go off randomly and when I go over to tell them, they act stupidly. Such as yesterday morning, when I went over to tell them our heat wasn't working and it was sixty damn degrees in our office. Over the blaring of his (plugged in) radio, the guy helpfully announced that he thought the electricity was out in the entire building. I raised an eyebrow and said, "Your radio seems to be working." Which caused much stammering and hem-hawing and blushing and looking at the floor.

For a while, I harbored the secret hope that they were remodeling the vacant space next door to move some really cool new tenants in, like maybe a clothing store that would amazingly give us all their excess inventory each week or a massage therapist who just wanted to practice on us at different times during the day. But noooo. It's just another stupid printing press. So there won't even be anything fun and exciting to look forward to after the construction is done.

Other than a list of grievances that probably sound petty and boring, I really have nothing else to write about right now! Still deadline at work, no baby news (and The Crazy hasn't started yet). However, the husband has the next eleven days off and plans on building a deck on our house. By himself. So I'm sure I'll have plenty to laugh (or cry) about unless he somehow undermines the structure of our house with his fiddling and it crashes down on our heads while we sleep. In that case, thanks for reading and it was nice knowing you.

Decide on a Damn Season Already!!

After my exuberant post last week extolling the joys of sandal season, the Nebraska weather has decided to punch me in the boob again by veering back to fall-like temperatures. Last week? Nearly 80 every day. Actually over 80 one day, the same exact day our (brand new) air conditioner stopped working. We are the luckiest people alive!

This week? After switching my closet over to sandals, capris, shorts and tank tops? Barely 60 degrees. The good news is, we don't need the damn brand new not working air conditioner. The bad news is the gloominess (not only is it cooler, there's also a distinct lack of sun) is bumming me out. And I refuse to go back to socks and panty hose. I don't care if we fall into a new Ice Age, like in Day After Tomorrow. I'll be dancing on the ice bergs in my damn flip flops! Hopefully with Jake Gyllenhaal. He is tasty. Except in Bubble Boy. Or Brokeback Mountain, which I will not count because I haven't seen it and don't plan on seeing it (and not because of the gay thing, because of the drama thing.) End of tangent.

Other news, apart from the teeth-gnashing weather: we're fertile again. I'm sure you were all waiting breathlessly for that announcement. To add to the joys of The Crazy this month, I've also started charting my temperatures. Oh, what fun that is!! Especially waking up at 6 am on the weekends just to stick that damn thermometer in my mouth. And not being able to get up to go to the bathroom until after the temperature is taken. And then poring over my chart, which resembles an incredibly financially unstable company's earning statement. I still think something unmistakable should happen to woman when she's fertile, like her eyes turn purple or she sprouts a third nipple. It would sure beat the unreliabe, frustrating and time consuming charting/ovulation test/mucus methods.

Anyway. Between the weather and the charting and the deadline at work, I am a bit stressed and just a tad blue. More happy posts to come!

Let's All Celebrate...Sandal Season!!

Nebraska has notoriously goofy weather. Case in point: last week it was 80 degrees and sunny one day and 40 degrees and rainy the next. It's crazy and frustrating and makes it virtually impossible for a girl to switch over to her spring/summer wardrobe. However, after watching the news last night, I saw what I was waiting for: a forecast of an entire week with temps in the 70s. And we all know what that means...it's sandal season!!!

I love sandal season. Why? Because I hate panty hose and I hate socks. I love being able to slip my feet into open-toed shoes and heading out the door. I love flip-flops. I love pedicures and brightly-colored toenails. You only have to look at my wardrobe to realize which season is my favorite. My winter closet has a couple pair of drab-colored pants, some suit jackets, a few undershirts and a small variety of black and brown shoes. My summer closet? Lots of color, lots of variety and lots and lots of sandals in every imaginable color and style.

I celebrated the induction of sandal season by buying a couple new pairs this weekend. One dressy and one more casual. I am fortunate to work at an office with no dress code to speak of, so I'm free to wear open-toed shoes, skirts sans panty hose and capri pants to my heart's content. And I take advantage of that. Daily.

Now, the shoes I bought are nothing special and nothing expensive. However, to treat myself one last time before we (hopefully) have kids, I would like one expensive pair of shoes this season. And I'd like your recommendations! Here are the requirements: Under $100 (yes, I know, when I said expensive I didn't really mean THAT expensive), goes with a lot of outfits (no no crazy colors that I'll find difficult to match) and widely available (or at least available on line). Give it to me, readers!! Mama needs a new pair of shoes!

Book Bitchin: March Edition

As promised (or at least alluded to) in a previous post, I've decided to start a monthly tradition of posting a list of the books I've read in the past month. It will give me a chance to bitch about crappy books (oh, how I love bitching about crappy books), suggest good ones and get some feedback from you guys. Ready? Here we go!

Toad Heaven by Morris Gleitzman
Category: Young Adult humor
Description: A young Australian cane toad named Limpy tries to save his family from the doom of the highway (and the people who try to run them over) by searching for Toad Heaven (a.k.a. a national forest).
So what did I think: This is a cute little book and would be good for readers in grade school, especially those who like gross-out humor as Limpy is always talking about bodily functions and other things kids find hilarious. Not the best YA book I've ever read, but amusing and a quick read.

Strangers by Dean Koontz
Category: Thriller
Description: A wide variety of people across the country begin facing baffling symptoms that impede on their lives. The symptoms eventually connect them to each other, and to a shattering event they all shared in a Nevada hotel.
So what did I think: This was a re-read of mine. I think I first read this about 15 years ago. I remember it being fascinating, but with a bad ending. The re-read confirms this. There is huge build-up, amazing character development, then you get to the end and think, "That's it?" However, I would still classify this as one of Koontz's better books, though certainly not his best.

Flyte by Angie Sage
Category: Young Adult Fantasy
Description: The young boy wizard Septimus Heap battles Darke Magyk in this sequel to Magyk.
So what did I think?: Though these books will initially remind you of Harry Potter, they are different and unique enough to not come off as knock-offs (though Harry is most likely the inspiration). Well-written, fast-moving and creative, these books would be great for a parent to read to young, school-age children. Obviously I have none of those (did I tell you we just had Failure of the Sperm Round 2? No? Well, now I did), so I instead read portions to Kirk. He didn't seem that interested, but I was interrupting his 'Judging Amy' reruns. I should have known better. The man is obsessed with the main character, who he actually calls 'Judging Amy' (not JUDGE, judging).

Nighlife by Thomas Perry
Category: Mystery
Description: A female serial killer preys on anyone who gets in her way of pursuing her goals and eventually develops a fixation on the female detective bent on catching her.
So what did I think?: This was one boring serial killer book. Not very well written, badly developed characters and no real mystery since you know who's doing the killing and why from the first chapter. A half-assed romance with no chemistry seals this one's fate.

Twilight of the Superheroes by Deborah Eisenberg
Category: Collection of short stories
Description: Six short stories, mostly about broken or breaking families.
So what did I think?: Wow, Deborah Eisenberg can write. These stories are pretty deep and depressing, but they're written so well you can't help but being touched by them. If you have any interest in short stories, you should definitely read this book.

So now it's your turn! Any comments on the books I read? And tell me about your March reading!! What's good? What sucks? Let the bitchin' begin!